When feeling restless and having no sense of direction becomes exhausting just' thinking about what my calling should be. Want to work to become a suitable citizen when it comes to being productive. Being productive is perhaps becomes a way of writing about stuff' other people that might be going thru the same thing can perhaps relate too.

     Reading has become a sense of weight. No, kidding! Hitting rock bottom becomes a sense of weight as well and no figuring out who's weight God wants to put on me,I walk...to different streets, and feel the sense of a force pulling me to different houses. How can I approach different houses? I fail at a calling perhaps and get so mad at myself for not approaching such force that pulls me in. 

     I don't know what it is! I don't know what to say to people! I don't know if people want to be approached and don't know if I even want to! In fact, I don't even have the nerve to wonder what people are thinking as they become in contact with me. 

     That is why a regular duty and a regular schedule is very important. People seem to be moving around so fast around me and even a walk becomes a thing of getting exhausted, but I do it anyway, and I feel as if I get shaken up all the time.

     What can it be? (sighs) Desperately look for an answer in God's word. I read some stories and then I feel guilty of reading sad stories that then I see take place in my life and in the stories of people that might be going thru the same story and that is something that becomes too "real"! Establishing faith isn't easy. My faith is pretty rocky at this point in my life. I have gone thru chemotherapy, I have gone thru radiation, I have had side effects of going crazy do to the pills I have to take that are suppose to help me some how. I become isolated and having conversations with people on the street is not easy. 

     I sense that we are living in a time where death, life and other's are sharing the same air. How selfish and cruel of me to want to pollute the air by smoking a cigarette during those times when the air brings speed into the atmosphere. But damn it becomes overwhelming to sense that! Only God knows what he gives us that we can handle. I can't handle too many chemicals or gas in the air. There is not much activity of airplanes flying out here. In fact, sometimes there are jet's that take off and fly away or just' test fly, (IDK) but it's not all the time like in L.A. 

     I miss my sister that lives in L.A. but every time I go and visit, There are so many airplanes that are flying around there that being there for more than a day becomes a drag. More than being restless out here, perhaps in the middle of nowhere. It's become too much as I see people and shadows go thru their faces. I pray sometimes for those, but I get to wonder that I wouldn't want their shadows on me. 

     People go around living their lives with a mentality of survival and not just' being humble. What is success? What would God see success as? A high rank in the military? A business that might be silent but powerful when it comes to trade or perhaps wall street enchantment?  Magic has become a thing of this world and not all that we see, is what we think we see. Not all that we eat might be known to us. Not all that we worship might be good for us and now my mentality becomes a sense of everything I do must have a purpose. (what an overwhelming feeling!) To have to have a purpose for all I do!

     Opening doors...is extremely difficult to understand. Closing doors is very hard to do! Logically thinking, (bye,bye) Being close down to sea level becomes a sense of why would I want to sink the boat that is already up here at a higher elevation. Sentences from the bible come to mind. (being in the country, "Why go out into the city") "Let go and Let God" What do I let go off? What can I search for? Do I really want to search? Am I worth someone searching for me? Why would anyone want to search for me? 

     Sad, really! Sad...sad, thinking! I don't know why people change! I don't know what would cause so many people to be in a hurry for things, life, interaction. It's important to some people, I guess. It's important to me as well, but being alone, seems to be a thing of peace. Not that I don't miss my old life.

I don't even like to remember about it, to not cause my heart to fall in love anymore. (how selfish and inconsiderate of me!) Thinking only of myself, and how I feel, and what pain I go thru! How inconsiderate of me to not think of anyone else but God.

     But with my selfish ways and my inconsiderate heart, why would God be thinking of me if I have nothing to offer God. What would God want from me if I don't do anything that is productive? 

I believe he gave me a chance to be with him once I was diagnosed with cancer. My chance to let go of this flesh and life of turmoil, perhaps. I didn't let go, I went to seek help to fight my chance, I probably didn't do it for me. I didn't do it for me yet, I don't have the courage to admit my love of whom I did it for, and if I did defeat it, why don't I seek the love of the one's I did do it for. 

     I feel challenged. Stupid! Like the biggest idiot in the world! I have to pee..