As a non-working individual

     As a non-working individual, not only me, but many seek for a miracle. What would a miracle look like for some people? Could it be a simple message, a new home,a new car, thousands of dollars,what? A miracle comes like too much for me" in particular to just' see miracles in other people. Miracles in other people when they desperately seek to find miracles from God's only son. Who is really God's only son? 
     By means of rational thinking, (lets get real!) If God, up to this point had only had one son...why do we see miracles in so many people that cross our everyday lives? Could it be that they too are like Jesus, that they died and came back to life as someone else? Would people want to point them out and say, that we" too have to be executed because it is not possible to alive today because of whatever reason or another. 
     Let's have a debate. I have seen family members I have not seen in years in what appears like to be "other" people. Of course, I wont ask if they are the same people I knew because now that would be like a rat sniffing out some cheese, wouldn't it be? By all means,think about what I'm saying. 
    Didn't a certain someone,want money when it came time to give up God's son? So, how would we ask someone or talk about the dead as if it's impossible for the dead to come back to life. If we only live once, that means we die everyday! Dying everyday can't possibly be good for certain individuals that have adopted names, because that would mean that they would be out of work, family wouldn't recognize them and they would not be the same mentally,physically or emotionally.
     Miracles for some people, go beyond the simple. Miracle's for some people go as far as "show me what you think you know" and "you will be king or queen's. That shit can really have someone on a search for some truth that probably don't exist in the simple world. I don't understand myself sometimes,debating on the idea of feeling like a fool to not search for Jesus. What would Jesus be doing in peasant world, when his kingdom is out of this world! 
     I wouldn't have the slightest clue on what to tell or ask Jesus if I ever encountered him. I would probably start out with asking for forgiveness. If he asks, "Forgiveness, for what?" I wouldn't know what to say, but only, "For all my sins"!? (with a stupid look) See, I can't imagine the shit that haunts me when it comes down to history and whatever family I might have come from that might have done wrong in God's eyes. As the story says,"Kids and grand kids will have to pay for parent's mistakes. Mistakes that have been made while in sin. Sin for me is having had kids and not being married. Therefore, I believe as a sinner knowing that, would allow God to choose to take that privilege away from me. How can I go back and forth in my offerings to God,when God is no one to be played with! No matter what I do or don't do, I have already talked to God about my offerings to him, when it comes to his own angels he decided he was eventually going to think it was a bad idea to give me in the first place. Why? Well, God knows all his creations and animals and what not. (sigh in what appears to be anger) Don't know why. Anyway, see...God is so good that I studied this book about gender and the times and months those genders could take place if the time was close to the time of birth and I would totally get excited cause I felt as if I knew. 
     Duh! God already knew the puppy would have colored eyes and God knew what dog would want the piece of that puppies pie before he ever gave me that puppy. OMG, I am referring to my kids as puppies.(sarcastic voice) That would probably be something my kids would want to kill me over later once they become full grown Alpha Dogs,huh? 
     Anyway, see God's ways are not as our ways, we talk and speak to each other with a universal language, per'say. We talk and write a certain language and God hears something else. See where I'm going with this?
Having said that, some people", perhaps surrender certain gifts to God and then want to take them back. As blessings, we are blessed with waking up, being able to stand! Being able to talk (woof,meow,IDK) But blessings that come as not enough?! We are blessed with food from places that freely give away food. Not good enough,huh? We get our sight, no matter which way we see things but we see what God wants us to see, not as we would have it! We hear, positive messages at times that might be for the negative reason's ,IDK. We have doctor's that have provided us with medicine in times of pain or something else.
    Blessings in a minimal does not seem good enough for some people. The hunger for more than the five senses might not be searched by, what I believe are God's people! God's people would be able to understand God's mercy for an ever lasting life, because only God, and God alone would be able to say who can go to God's kingdom and who can't! I believe there are people that might persecute other's for not being dead! I can understand that, but who are we to persecute God's toys for whatever reason he chooses to have certain people alive still?
     God's toys, might not be a way of calling people, but man! What can be expected of animal's wanting to devour a pigeon? Nothing good! That is why, I believe that God took the liberty of thinking beyond the human species. Who is anyway to say or not to say on what God can do? After all, some animal's decided that one day it was better to kill his one and only son and let criminal's go. Haven't we already passed this story in time of wanting to search who the real Jesus was?
     I go to some churches,perhaps wanting to figure that out too, "Who is Jesus"? I hear the stories of many of whom might Jesus be to them and everyone has about the same answer or something totally different. I get annoyed by thinking that I have not gone to one church and have felt that I have heard anyone but one person say, "I know Jesus" I heard only one" person say that! I wanted to ask after his sermon, but the whole church sermon made me cry and I could not stop to think of all that was coming out the preacher's mouth.
     I know for a fact that when it comes to God and speaking about God has to be a thing that has to be taken seriously and have had to been studied at an extreme! It must be a hard job being a preacher in front of people because, for my experience. I get excited in talking about God and all and I tend not to want to shut up about all the miracles he has done for me. Then If I continue to speak I am aware today that if I don't watch to what I say, someone else might want to come inside of me and deliver a different message...and that is what I have witnessed on some preacher's. There are some preacher's that have paused and have been aware of the words they use, but then there are those that get possessed at the time of the message, so church has become scary now. 
     I feel blessed by knowing there is a God, that there is a creator of heaven and earth and that each day is a blessing, what we decide to do with that day is like asking God for permission to want more of what we already have. I don't own much, but I do owe God all that I am, ever could have been or anything that I would want to be. I really didn't work much, so what monetary can I offer God? My dreams perhaps? Other's thoughts perhaps, or maybe my thinking now...(that's has been nothing but negative thinking!) I loved other's before God ,I think almost all my life. I desperately wanted a family, God gave me that, and I took it for granted. God gave me, my own children and I failed them as a mom not protecting them from life. So, I surrender them to his will. 
     I asked God for his family of believers and God gives me the option to choose and pick and I still don't find the right church family. Maybe because it doesn't exist. Or maybe I am not good enough for that church family, or maybe I don't fit in or look a certain way, who knows. What I do know is that God loves me (sad ,tearful face) when I should be smiling. I don't feel worthy of God's love ,perhaps. I don't know why, maybe cause my DNA carries some type of stupid. IDK
     I can't stand the cold! Does that mean that everyone else is dead and I might be the only one still ticking? Who knows, but everyday is a blessing and as the story goes, it's probably better to just' read about God in my own room. 
     But for many non-working individuals, yes..God might be needed as a sense of emergency assistance at some point or another, maybe it's money. IDK, but having a church that pays for giving speeches is not such a bad job. Probably the fastes get rich ways that I can think of, if getting rich was the plan, more than that is as easy as counting churches. But there are those that do it for a positive reasons, perhaps. All in all, let God judge us all according to what we tell him in private. By our action, good or bad, for I think negative and that is the biggest sin I have yet to overcome.
     

    When feeling restless and having no sense of direction becomes exhausting just' thinking about what my calling should be. Want to work to become a suitable citizen when it comes to being productive. Being productive is perhaps becomes a way of writing about stuff' other people that might be going thru the same thing can perhaps relate too.

     Reading has become a sense of weight. No, kidding! Hitting rock bottom becomes a sense of weight as well and no figuring out who's weight God wants to put on me,I walk...to different streets, and feel the sense of a force pulling me to different houses. How can I approach different houses? I fail at a calling perhaps and get so mad at myself for not approaching such force that pulls me in. 

     I don't know what it is! I don't know what to say to people! I don't know if people want to be approached and don't know if I even want to! In fact, I don't even have the nerve to wonder what people are thinking as they become in contact with me. 

     That is why a regular duty and a regular schedule is very important. People seem to be moving around so fast around me and even a walk becomes a thing of getting exhausted, but I do it anyway, and I feel as if I get shaken up all the time.

     What can it be? (sighs) Desperately look for an answer in God's word. I read some stories and then I feel guilty of reading sad stories that then I see take place in my life and in the stories of people that might be going thru the same story and that is something that becomes too "real"! Establishing faith isn't easy. My faith is pretty rocky at this point in my life. I have gone thru chemotherapy, I have gone thru radiation, I have had side effects of going crazy do to the pills I have to take that are suppose to help me some how. I become isolated and having conversations with people on the street is not easy. 

     I sense that we are living in a time where death, life and other's are sharing the same air. How selfish and cruel of me to want to pollute the air by smoking a cigarette during those times when the air brings speed into the atmosphere. But damn it becomes overwhelming to sense that! Only God knows what he gives us that we can handle. I can't handle too many chemicals or gas in the air. There is not much activity of airplanes flying out here. In fact, sometimes there are jet's that take off and fly away or just' test fly, (IDK) but it's not all the time like in L.A. 

     I miss my sister that lives in L.A. but every time I go and visit, There are so many airplanes that are flying around there that being there for more than a day becomes a drag. More than being restless out here, perhaps in the middle of nowhere. It's become too much as I see people and shadows go thru their faces. I pray sometimes for those, but I get to wonder that I wouldn't want their shadows on me. 

     People go around living their lives with a mentality of survival and not just' being humble. What is success? What would God see success as? A high rank in the military? A business that might be silent but powerful when it comes to trade or perhaps wall street enchantment?  Magic has become a thing of this world and not all that we see, is what we think we see. Not all that we eat might be known to us. Not all that we worship might be good for us and now my mentality becomes a sense of everything I do must have a purpose. (what an overwhelming feeling!) To have to have a purpose for all I do!

     Opening doors...is extremely difficult to understand. Closing doors is very hard to do! Logically thinking, (bye,bye) Being close down to sea level becomes a sense of why would I want to sink the boat that is already up here at a higher elevation. Sentences from the bible come to mind. (being in the country, "Why go out into the city") "Let go and Let God" What do I let go off? What can I search for? Do I really want to search? Am I worth someone searching for me? Why would anyone want to search for me? 

     Sad, really! Sad...sad, thinking! I don't know why people change! I don't know what would cause so many people to be in a hurry for things, life, interaction. It's important to some people, I guess. It's important to me as well, but being alone, seems to be a thing of peace. Not that I don't miss my old life.

I don't even like to remember about it, to not cause my heart to fall in love anymore. (how selfish and inconsiderate of me!) Thinking only of myself, and how I feel, and what pain I go thru! How inconsiderate of me to not think of anyone else but God.

     But with my selfish ways and my inconsiderate heart, why would God be thinking of me if I have nothing to offer God. What would God want from me if I don't do anything that is productive? 

I believe he gave me a chance to be with him once I was diagnosed with cancer. My chance to let go of this flesh and life of turmoil, perhaps. I didn't let go, I went to seek help to fight my chance, I probably didn't do it for me. I didn't do it for me yet, I don't have the courage to admit my love of whom I did it for, and if I did defeat it, why don't I seek the love of the one's I did do it for. 

     I feel challenged. Stupid! Like the biggest idiot in the world! I have to pee..